Post by timtank on Oct 22, 2009 11:22:29 GMT 12
Name:Timothy chizu
Age:23 (but looks young)
Appearance:male
Background: Growing up he had only his mother. His dad died 3 days before his mother gave birth to him. His dad was a soldier in the army and was killed in battle. He studied many different Martial arts so that he could protect himself and his mother. He was also trained by a friend of his father trained him and showed him how to use a gun. He even gave him his own gun at the age of 16.most of the time he is calm and respectful. He is skilled but did not master all of the martial arts on the list.
Surma stickfighting (low skill only 1 year of training)
10th planet jiu-jitsu (skilled)
American Karate (blackbelt)
American Kickboxing (proficient )
Western Boxing (6 years)
Evala wrestling (2 months)
Equipment: Hand gun, pocket book, candy
______________________________________________
Staff PM:
Alright, here's the thing:
Your app is a mary-sue. I want you to fix that.
I saw that you edited the age to 21, but when you said that he had mastered American Karate, that was it. There are some tweaks, the majority of them relating to competition rules. So no, you have NOT mastered it.
Did you read my character FAQ? Be completely honest, because if you haven't, then that's it, you're gone.
I'm a perfectionist, I'll admit it. It's a healthy thing though, it's not like I'm OCD rushing to finish EVERYTHING as FAST as I can. So, Here's what you need to do to get this app aproved:
1) Remove the martial arts entirely
2) Raise the age considerably
3) Add in the travels of the character to the history, as Surma Stick Fighting isn't something that you would go around the corner to learn at a studio.
4) Remove the gun completely
5) Remove all things pertaining to fighting in general and come up with something more practical. For instance: You know how in Star Wars video games they have all these crazy torches that don't go out no matter WHAT you do to them? That'll work.
Or if you're like me and play Halo, then there are the sledgehammer things. Be more original Tim.
6) Edit the history. Because:
Background: Growing up he had only his mother. His dad died 3 days before his mother gave birth to him. His dad was a soldier in the army and was killed in battle. He studied many different Martial arts so that he could protect himself and his mother. He was also trained by a friend of his father trained him and showed him how to use a gun. He even gave him his own gun at the age of 16.most of the time he is calm and respectful. He is skilled but did not master all of the martial arts on the list.
is weak. Here's what yours truly would do:
Background: Growing up he had only his mother. His dad died three days before his mother gave birth to him. Partly from being a soldier, partly from a bullet through the man's heart, his father didn't survive the war. Timothy, feeling a pulse of responsibility, studied many different martial arts so that he could protect himself and his mother. He was also trained by a friend of his father trained him, who also showed him how to use a gun. This man grew close to Timothy, and eventually gave him his own gun at the age of 16. Most of the time he is calm and respectful. He is proficient in quite a few martial arts, although he has quite a few things left to learn.
No, do not copy and paste that. For one, you have all the things above this to consider. So, I give you permission to look at this history and come up with ways to edit it ON YOUR OWN.
For the record, I only did that because I love this friggin' keyboard.
That, and the I can feel my English teacher glaring at me whenever I write something, or read something with gramatical errors.
Now, PM me back once you have read this. If you don't, I'll copy and paste it to your app. A copy of this will be sent to Dai.
You may start a new app. It better hold some contrast to this one.
Age:23 (but looks young)
Appearance:male
Background: Growing up he had only his mother. His dad died 3 days before his mother gave birth to him. His dad was a soldier in the army and was killed in battle. He studied many different Martial arts so that he could protect himself and his mother. He was also trained by a friend of his father trained him and showed him how to use a gun. He even gave him his own gun at the age of 16.most of the time he is calm and respectful. He is skilled but did not master all of the martial arts on the list.
Surma stickfighting (low skill only 1 year of training)
10th planet jiu-jitsu (skilled)
American Karate (blackbelt)
American Kickboxing (proficient )
Western Boxing (6 years)
Evala wrestling (2 months)
Equipment: Hand gun, pocket book, candy
______________________________________________
Staff PM:
Alright, here's the thing:
Your app is a mary-sue. I want you to fix that.
I saw that you edited the age to 21, but when you said that he had mastered American Karate, that was it. There are some tweaks, the majority of them relating to competition rules. So no, you have NOT mastered it.
Did you read my character FAQ? Be completely honest, because if you haven't, then that's it, you're gone.
I'm a perfectionist, I'll admit it. It's a healthy thing though, it's not like I'm OCD rushing to finish EVERYTHING as FAST as I can. So, Here's what you need to do to get this app aproved:
1) Remove the martial arts entirely
2) Raise the age considerably
3) Add in the travels of the character to the history, as Surma Stick Fighting isn't something that you would go around the corner to learn at a studio.
4) Remove the gun completely
5) Remove all things pertaining to fighting in general and come up with something more practical. For instance: You know how in Star Wars video games they have all these crazy torches that don't go out no matter WHAT you do to them? That'll work.
Or if you're like me and play Halo, then there are the sledgehammer things. Be more original Tim.
6) Edit the history. Because:
Background: Growing up he had only his mother. His dad died 3 days before his mother gave birth to him. His dad was a soldier in the army and was killed in battle. He studied many different Martial arts so that he could protect himself and his mother. He was also trained by a friend of his father trained him and showed him how to use a gun. He even gave him his own gun at the age of 16.most of the time he is calm and respectful. He is skilled but did not master all of the martial arts on the list.
is weak. Here's what yours truly would do:
Background: Growing up he had only his mother. His dad died three days before his mother gave birth to him. Partly from being a soldier, partly from a bullet through the man's heart, his father didn't survive the war. Timothy, feeling a pulse of responsibility, studied many different martial arts so that he could protect himself and his mother. He was also trained by a friend of his father trained him, who also showed him how to use a gun. This man grew close to Timothy, and eventually gave him his own gun at the age of 16. Most of the time he is calm and respectful. He is proficient in quite a few martial arts, although he has quite a few things left to learn.
No, do not copy and paste that. For one, you have all the things above this to consider. So, I give you permission to look at this history and come up with ways to edit it ON YOUR OWN.
For the record, I only did that because I love this friggin' keyboard.
That, and the I can feel my English teacher glaring at me whenever I write something, or read something with gramatical errors.
Now, PM me back once you have read this. If you don't, I'll copy and paste it to your app. A copy of this will be sent to Dai.
You may start a new app. It better hold some contrast to this one.
